Creating Discipline

I think some of the best advice I ever received as a mother was from a woman who told me discipline worked best for her kids when she "mixed it up". She found that the element of surprise was way more effective than her acting in a predictable, patterned manner. She was always sitting her kids in time out, which proved highly ineffective after the first few times. She had the "light bulb moment" that if she could be more creative about her parenting, maybe the results would be more to her liking. I took her advice to heart and started asking myself to think outside of the box.

During one stage of my boys' lives, they had developed a habit of putting each other down. Not just once in awhile, it seemed like it was going on all the time. I came up with the idea that for every "put down" they made, they would adopt the responsibility of thinking of TEN GOOD COMPLIMENTS to give. I'll never forget the giggles the first time I explained what the punishment was. About the third time trying to use this approach, I was hearing the same exact ten things over again, "You have nice hair." "You hit the baseball good." From that point on, any time I used this technique, the condition was that you couldn't re-use the same statements you had used previously. The giggles that ensued washed away a lot of the childish hurt inflicted.

I started borrowing ideas from other sources. Watching other people. Listening with the intent to learn.

Another effective-for-us method I came across was to assign a jar to each child. At the beginning of the week, the jar would be filled with a certain number of quarters. Each time a rule was broken or discipline was needed, a quarter would be taken away. At the end of the week, whatever quarters were left were theirs to keep.

And the last one I'll share is taken from my mother. She used this technique in her classroom as a teacher. She cut a circle or two out of colored construction paper and taped it to the wall. If a child was unruly and didn't respond after the first warning, she would have them stand next to the wall with their finger in the circle. (It is placed a bit above the child's head so they have to stand with their hand raised.) She would designate a time frame (one minute, two, etc.). This worked so well in my home because at that time there were knotty pine boards throughout the whole house, and the knots worked beautifully (Nature's own circles). Again, there was usually a lot of laughter involved, but the point was made because try this, after a few minutes, your arm gets tired and it's not comfortable to hold this position for very long.

Looking back I think of the times in my life when I was "punished" by someone... whether a parent or someone else who may or may not have known they were punishing by word, deeds or actions. Usually there is such a negative connection with that word. I feel if we attach something positive, something that has a subtle way of directing and re-directing into better behavior that uplifts themselves and others, children (and all of us) would have a new outlook and better self esteem and punishment would truly support the word "discipline" which means simply "to train". And the most successful people are those who have adopted a good self discipline ethic and code. They don't see it as negative or harsh, they see it as something that helps benefit their lives (ex: athletes, musicians, dancers).

Not only did these techniques help empower me to help guide my kids, they helped me find a joy in the side of parenting that seemed most daunting.

Think about it. If a child knows exactly what you're going to do, if they know exactly how you are going to react, they stay where they are comfortable. They get caught in a cycle of behavior (usually seeking out attention even if it's getting mom or dad to yell at them). You get caught in a cycle of behavior. And patterns develop and set in. I challenge that we should all teach each other and teach ourselves to stretch and grow and "color outside the lines", think of new ways to see things, to react to things, to discover things.